Although I have improved well these years, I know I never spoke like a native. No matter how people praise me or comment that I speak like a Japanese, I knew it was always nothing more that lipservice.
In fact the more I use it, and as the years passed by as a Japanese language speaker, I realised I am far from speaking like a native speaker. Now that I use it almost everyday, I realise with much irritation that I keep making similar mistakes and am sometimes even blind to my own mistakes.
And I had never once thought my Japanese was flawless.
Today, I received a statement that proved me quite right.
I was told in the face that my Japanese sounds weird.
Tens years, and this is the first time someone says that in my face.
It came to me as such a shock that tears won't stop flowing.
And my hands are shaking even now, just by recalling that statement.
It sounds more like a death judgement.
The first thing I felt when I heard the statement was of course anger. I definitely do not deserve a statement like that.
After that it was pure sadness.
It felt like years of efforts have all gone down the drain. The money and efforts my parents put in to see me through my Japanese language classes and university have all gone to waste. And there is no way I can answer the efforts and time my Japanese teachers had put in training me.
Guess I am just feeling sorry for myself...
There is probably a need for me to go back to the basics.
I will need to go dig out old notes and textbooks when I go back to Singapore.
For now, I need a break...
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